asheris

This has got to be one of the funniest columns ever.

The best part:

HOME-REPAIR HAIKU

You keep writing them, I keep running them. From Marv:

My shed door is steel

The top is not very tall

Head makes bonk-like sound

Indeed it does. Unless it's a dog's head, which makes a harder, thonkish noise. This I know because I polished the cabinets the other day with some Pledge (now with the Power of ORANGE! Contains ORANGE ESSENCES! Your wood will shine so brightly you will have to look at them through a pinhole in a piece of cardboard! All fall and WORSHIP the POWER OF ORANGE!) and I must have spilled oil on the floor. I noticed that Toddler™ hit the deck when she walked in this area, but kids are always falling down. But then Jasper Dog ran around the corner to bark at the mailman -- his front left leg shot right, and he cracked his head against the wall with a sound like someone shooting a brick at a manhole cover. His response was typical: He sneezed and blinked, paused, blinked, and sneezed again. I don't know if this is typical for all dogs, but when he takes a clout to the head he does this sneeze-and-blink routine that makes it seem as if he's rebooting his brain.

Loading odor database (pack/meat/rot/cat/dogsDONE)

Loading mating rituals, looking for privates

FAILURE: Private modules not available / loading shin preferences

Loading danger database (mailman/UPS/dogs/fireworks/dogsdogsdogs/DONE)

Loading . . . no, that's about it

END STARTUP

This is why I love to work at home, frankly. At an office, if your co-worker cracks his head against the copier, stands up, sneezes uncontrollably, then staggers off to the mailroom, you just can't laugh out loud.

Well, you can, but when you're sick, your get-well card from the office will have three signatures.